Monday, May 7, 2012

One of these days...

One of these days... I will smile because I want to, not just because I feel like I am supposed to.

One of these days... I will laugh because I am happy, not just to avoid an awkward situation.

One of these days... I will not need you there to feel complete.

One of these days... I will get out of bed because I am eager to begin a new day, not because I have kids begging me to get up.

One of these days... I will be able to go a few hours without crying over you.

One of these days... being alone will finally feel normal or at least I'll be numb to the pain.

One of these days... I will be proud of myself and won't find my worth only in the eyes of another person.

One of these days... I will be more than just a mom, I'll also be me.

One of these days... I will sleep through an entire night without nightmares or tossing and turning, fearing somebody is going to break in and there is nobody here to protect us.

One of these days... I won't miss you.

One of these days... I will be okay.

But not today.

How long does it take?  When does it feel okay to not have someone there to support you through all of your endeavors?  Will it ever?  Life seems so pointless when you have nobody to live it with, nobody to hold your hand and tell you it will be fine.  How am I ever supposed to finally be okay with the fact that my life will never be what I want and it's not even my fault?  How is it fair that somebody else has the power to make such life changing decisions for you without your consent?  I'm doing horribly in school (for me) because I can't think straight.  It seems like it was the biggest mistake to go back, clearly I wasn't ready to add on to my workload.  Then again, if I quit now, I will be a failure at yet another thing.

I don't need sympathy, I need to be okay.  Why can't I just be okay??

I made this slideshow for Dan back in January I believe.  I honestly don't know if he even ever watched it, but I've probably watched it enough for the both of us.
It is basically the best, most fulfilling, 3 years of my life in a 20 minute video.

 The blog post I made a few months ago was picked up by Yahoo! after I combined it into a single article. I'd like to think Dan would be proud, he always encouraged me to chase my dreams and do things I enjoyed.  If you haven't gotten the chance to read it yet and are interested, here it is.