Friday, June 8, 2012

Numb

For those of you who have kept up with the personal side of my blog...

I just wanted to say thank you for your support the past few months.



As of this morning, a judge granted my husband the divorce he requested.
All of my friends keep calling and texting asking how I am doing or feeling...

How do you respond to something like that?  Dead. Hurt. Numb. Broken.

When it was all said and done, I cried...

and cried...

and cried...

until I felt like I had nothing left.


And then I was numb.

It didn't really hit me that it was over until after midnight tonight, but then it did, (hit that is- like a ton of bricks).  This is really happening.

Today, my world slipped away.  I have fought tooth and nail for my marriage for 8 long, exhausting months, with everything I had in me.

When Dan left, he didn't just take the money in the bank accounts, he took all of my hopes and dreams, all of the plans we had made. 

Any feeling of self-worth that I ever possessed.

Gone. 

Everything is gone.

How can anyone do that to someone they claim to love and care so much for?  Someone you vowed to be faithful and honor for the rest of your life...how is that okay?

So what now?

Since the beginning of this ordeal nightmare, I have told everyone who would listen, that I planned on fighting til the end, and that's exactly what I did.  I put so much faith and hope and prayer into believing that before it ended, he would snap out of this as easily as he made the decision to walk out.  I tried to be patient, as hard as it was.

And here we are...divorce granted.

What started as an amazingly close-knit family of 5 just months ago, is now Daniel...and the devastation left behind, 4 broken people left to pick up the pieces, 3 sweet, innocent children, suffering, confused, hurt.

Why??  Why do bad things happen to good people? 

What did we do to deserve this?

I was raised in a broken home. I put so much into my marriage so that my children would not have to go through what I did growing up.

And I failed.  Miserably. 

Everything I have ever tried to protect my children from, all of the heartache and the pain...and here we are.

Why can't people keep their promises?  Why is it that when someone uses the words "lifetime commitment" it really means "until I'm tired of you?"

How can you choose to hurt such innocent children that want nothing more than to have a dad in their life to love?  How can their feelings not matter?  What kind of monster can look into their eyes and just walk away?

And who on earth could support someone like that?




All of my life, even into adulthood, I longed to have a close extended family.  I come from a family of 5 children, but I only speak to one sibling on a regular basis.  I haven't spoken to my father in years.  I can count on my hands how many times I have seen him my entire life.  My mom and I speak a couple of times a year, usually on holidays, and mostly by text.  None of my kids know my father and if they saw my mom walking through the grocery store, they probably wouldn't recognize her.

I didn't want my kids to grow up that way.

When I met Dan and saw how close his family was with one another, it was amazing.  They had a big extended family, they got together on all the holidays, they had family dinners.

They would sit around the living room singing Christmas carols, playing the piano, guitar etc. I used to joke with him that they were the real-life Partridge family, they had it all together.

This is what I had always dreamed of having for my kids.

When I became part of Dan's family, I was thrilled that my kids would get to grow up in that environment, feeling like they actually mattered.

And now we're back to square one...

I always thought by this time, if it really came down to divorce, I would have some idea of what to do next.

I don't.

Maybe I was in denial, maybe it was wishful thinking. 

I'm a good person, I work at a church for crying out loud, God was supposed to save me from this, right?  He was supposed to make Dan do the right thing and honor his marriage vows and his commitment to his family. 

At least in a perfect world.

That isn't the case though.


Here I am, left to pick up the pieces.  I have no idea where to start.  I'm afraid of the future, I hurt more than I thought one person was supposed to be capable of, I am weak.

This is where the healing begins, doesn't it?

I wish I could believe it.

I don't think I can ever recover from the hurt I have experienced the past 8-9 months.  If the one person who I trusted more than anything, leaned on, opened up to about every aspect of my life, could do this to me, and not turn back, then I have no hope for the rest of humanity.  Is there really such thing as a "good person?"

I'll believe it when I see it.

Unfortunately, even if I thought it were possible, healing isn't even attainable at this point.

There is still much more heartache, confusion and fear to come.

Sometime in the near future, I will have to pack up my home and leave all of the memories behind.

The first night we slept in this house, we had no furniture with us and the kids were in Texas.

It was just Dan, myself, a few blankets and fire going in the fireplace, three days before he deployed to Iraq.  It remains one of the most memorable nights of my life.

I brought Kaylee home from the hospital to this house.  I watched as she learned to crawl, sign, and take her first steps. 

This home holds more memories than most photo albums.

I'm scared to leave.  I am scared to forget.

I don't want to go. 

We were supposed to be moving out of here as a family, making new memories as we went, not leaving my marriage and all of the memories we created in our home.

I can't do this.

Where do I go? How do I find a place to live, big enough for all 4 of us and cheap enough for my budget of...essentially nothing?  How do we get around after I am made to surrender my sole source of transportation to Dan because I can't afford the payments?

How is any of this okay??

I will never understand how somebody can do such awful things.  I've gone over this in my head thousands of times and I just can't comprehend what it would take for somebody to think they are justified in destroying a family and leaving them to pick up the pieces.

I am so tired of hurting. 

I don't know how I have survived since October 27th...only by prayer, hope, and faith that everything would be okay.


But it's not.


And I am not.


I used to think I was strong. I'm not.

I want to be a coward, I want to hide in a corner.  I want to take my kids and run away and start a new life in a place where nobody knows us.

I just want to be okay, is that really so much to ask?  Haven't I gone through enough?

This kind of thing only happens in movies, so where is my happy ending?

I want my life back. I want to wake up from this nightmare.  Please...





In 5 days, June 13th, we would be celebrating our 3rd wedding anniversary.

For those of you who pray, please do.  It's going to be a very difficult day to get through.








Friday, June 1, 2012

Shopping with a baby!


Meet Bob.


Bob is a shopping cart that LOVES to help out with your trip to the grocery store.  See how happy it makes him??

The only things Bob loves more than shopping...are BABIES!!


Bob is super excited to help this family get groceries...but wait, what is this...??  Bob is not happy...
You see, Bob took a class on car seat safety.  He knows that putting an infant carrier on the top of shopping cart can be very VERY dangerous.

Bob has heard every excuse in the book as to why people put their infant carriers in the top of the shopping cart, even when they have been told time and time again that it was unsafe.

Bob also knows that anecdotal evidence doesn't get you very far in life.  Just because somewhere down the line, somebody survived this


it doesn't make their choices any less idiotic and it DOES NOT mean that it's a good idea for you to do it as well.


So...without further ado, let's go over some reasons why putting a carrier in the top of a cart is not a safe choice.

Reason #1

Strollers and infant car seat bases are made so that when they are holding a car seat, the recline angle is between 30 and 45 degrees so that the baby A. is upright enough to be protected in a car accident and B. not too upright that it obstructs their ability to breathe.

(Humor me/use your imagination, do whatever it takes to pretend this looks like a car seat)

However, if I had a dime for how many times I was walking through the grocery store and saw this...


well, I'd have a lot of dimes.  When the carrier is not at a correct recline angle, the baby's oxygen can be cut off if they are in the carrier for a prolonged period.

**DISCLAIMER** If you don't see anything wrong with the above picture, stop what you are doing, go sit on the couch, prop your legs up on the back cushions and lean back to watch tv for the next hour...then come back and let me know how you feel and how easy it was for you to breathe.



Reason #2 
 Having an infant seat on the top of the cart makes it top heavy. Something as simple as rounding a corner too quickly can flip the entire shopping cart over.

Reason #3
While it's already hard to see what is in front of you when you are pushing a shopping cart, adding an infant car seat that sticks up an extra 12+ inches makes it impossible.  You never know what you'll run into or run over when your view is obstructed.


You did it now...you killed Kenny. (while I have never seen South park myself, it was re-enacted one too many times in middle school so it is now permanently etched in my head)

 Reason #4
Even if your car seat appears to click (because I hear that all the time... "well mine fits, it even latches on"), it was not made to be up there, it was only made to "click" onto a stroller or car seat base. A small jolt is sometimes enough to un-latch it from the cart and have the entire carrier flip over onto the floor in a matter of seconds.  See a real example here.


Reason #5
Since it was NOT made to fit on a cart, trying to get it to latch on anyway could damage the mechanism that makes it attach to your car seat base. You won't notice that it is defective it until you are flying down the highway and get into a wreck and your child's seat is ejected through the front windshield. However, by then it will be too late.


(pretty self explanatory, I'll spare you yet another of my beautiful drawings)




Reason #6
.Every car seat manufacturer specifically says NOT to do it, so why not listen?





So...let's recap.

Regardless of who has done it and who's kids "were fine," when they did it, doesn't mean it's safe.  That's skewed logic.

You could potentially be setting up your child to have a difficult time breathing during your trip to the grocery store.

Your cart becomes top heavy, it could flip! 

A car seat never actually latches on to a cart.

You could damage the latching mechanism and not find out until the seat doesn't perform in crash.

All car seat manufacturers warn against it.


So...what are your other options?




Put your baby's car seat IN THE CART, not ON IT. This is a sure fire way to make Bob super happy!

OR (my personal favorite)

You can always wear your baby!