Monday, April 9, 2012
His smile, his ability to make ME smile- even when I'm mad at him, watching him play with the kids, seeing their faces light up just from being around him, stupid little inside jokes that are soooo funny, but really not funny at all, watching trashy teenage sitcoms and being hooked, cuddling on the couch, his singing, his voice in general, his ability to make everything seem so perfect, the way he always found a solution to every problem I had, how he took all my stress away with a hug, feeling like our family was safe at night because he was here to protect us, sweet "I love you" texts, watching him play his guitar, being comfortable around someone, trusting someone with all of my feelings
I miss everything about him.
No matter what I've said to him the past few months in response to what he has done to us...nothing can change how much I love him and miss him.
That's the hardest part of all. I want to hate him, I want to see pictures of him and cringe and never want to see his face again.
But I can't. I just can't make myself forget how happy he made me.
Today was a bad day. I was cleaning the car out and found and old SD card so I plugged it into my phone and there were tons of pictures and videos from Kaylee's first few months, and everything came rushing back. There he was again, the perfect dad, the perfect husband, just like I remembered.
Then tonight I accidentally click on the skype icon on my laptop screen and it signs me in automatically. There is his name on top, just like it's always been. I can't help but click it and at the bottom it shows a place where you can see recent messages, so I look.
Thirty minutes later and I have the biggest grin on my face like a little kid and tears streaming down my face. Things were great, everything was so great.
He still makes me smile.
The way things are now and the feelings I feel are all that I had prepared myself for if something ever happened to him in Iraq and all I had left of him were pictures and letters.
But he's not dead, he's choosing to be gone.
How can anyone choose to be gone?
I don't want to miss him like I do, I don't want fantasize over him being home, I just can't help it.
He has missed so much...
...Not limited to Avery locking herself in her room crying about him and begging him to come home:
If I could just go back in time...
when I was still living my fairytale...
I'd give up everything I have.
These pictures were taken the last time he actually lived at home with us:
and this is our sweet baby girl now, 10 months later:
So many missed opportunities to make memories, so many days you can never get back.
And it's the kids that end up suffering the most because they just don't understand.
Neither do I.
I miss you.