Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Have you ever hated someone...?

Have you ever hated someone so much that the mere thought of his/her existence makes you physically ill?

Well, if you're a Christian, you haven't!

Okay don't stop reading just yet, I'm kidding.

With everything lost in translation, I've had a hard time figuring out where in the Bible it says you can't hate those who have done unthinkable permanent damage to your life and to your children.  I know we aren't "supposed to" hate, but surely there has got to be some sort of exception in times like these...right?  I mean, I'm right...right?  Somewhere in Psalms (yes I'm too lazy to pinpoint it right now...it's after midnight and I'm tired so just bear with me), it says "Let those who love the Lord hate evil."  So I guess we're clear, I can definitely hate evil people.

Ahh, again it's probably just an excuse.  It's times like these I wish I could just call God up and ask Him how I'm supposed to feel...is my anger and hatred justified?  Of course I would say yes, but would He?  I've done enough of the "love your enemy" shenanigans and I can't anymore.  How anyone could love THAT is beyond me.

As I lay here cuddling my sweet baby girl (as she coughs in my face...thanks Kaylee!), I wonder how anyone could be so horribly selfish and evil.  Hey look, there's that word again.  This little girl is the absolute most amazing kid in the world.  I may be a little biased, but I doubt it ;)  I could never leave her, I would NEVER ever leave her.  He can't say the same.

I hate Dan, for everything he's done to me, but more importantly my kids. Someone told me the other day that I needed to try to be indifferent instead which apparently is worse somehow (who knows)...but I can't, I hate him...and I hate that I do.  I'm not a bitter and angry person, except now, I am.  And apparently all of this bitterness and anger made me into a person who rambles and doesn't make sense ;) 

How long does it take for the hate to go away?  Am I going to magically wake up one day and be like "oh everything is better, I'm fine!"

It takes time, they say.  You'll get over it, they say. Time heals all wounds, they say.  Well ya know what I say, THEY must not have ever been through this.

They must not have ever had the love of their life walk out on their family without even looking back.  They must not have ever heard the horrible, evil, gut-wrenching things come out of the mouth of the one who was supposed to be there "for better or worse."  They must never have been cheated on for weeks and led on to believe everything was fine.  They must have never had their spouse lie and lie and lie and lie.  They must never have woken up from dreams multiple times a week crying because everything was perfect again and it felt so real.  And people wonder why I stay up all night...

I've been alone for over a year now.

For more than a year, I have struggled emotionally, financially, and even physically at times.  I am exhausted and I am weak.  I hurt and I cry...and I do it a lot. 

I could never have imagined how hard it would be to be alone...and to be alone with 3 kids.  He wouldn't know.  Not many people do.

As hard as it is to walk in the shoes I've been handed, I would not be where I am now if it weren't for people from church.  Of all people who knew my situation, I can only think of a handful who encouraged me to fight for my marriage, and who told me that only I would know when it was time to give up.  I never once did.  I fought til the very last day...and yet sometimes I still wonder if I did enough.  When you are in that situation, you know something needs to be done, but you don't know what that something is.  Some people figure it out, and they win.  Apparently I didn't find the answer.  But no matter what, I know that I tried, and at least in that aspect, there are no regrets. Twenty years down the road and I won't have to wonder if I gave it my all.

Is it hard to see the person that I thought I'd spend my life with, just erase every last detail and reminder of us from his life?  Being told that he deleted every single one of our family pictures, pictures of just us, Facebook statuses about his "amazing wife," pictures of my children... and replaced them with condescending argumentative posts and friend requests to all of his ex-girlfriends, acting as though we never existed? If anyone looked at his page, they'd have a hard time seeing that he ever married or reproduced- I mean, aside from the handful of pictures of Kaylee as an infant (the last time he was even involved in her life) and the few screen shots he took of her (while she sat there trying to figure out who the heck he was), from the only time he's asked to skype with her in a year.  Is it hard to see him going from a family man to a little boy whose biggest obsession (aside from lying), is a piece of plastic with a tailpipe?  You bet.

Does it suck how many times he's been in contempt of court orders and is bragging about how he found a renter for the house of ours that he was ordered to sell (and split the profits with me) or that he can apparently sit around all day just reading through music lyrics because he has no real responsibilities?  Does it suck that with all the free time he has, he hasn't even, since he left, just picked up the phone and called to see if he could talk to Kaylee? (okay one time, more about that in a second)  It sure does.

Dan came to visit Kaylee for the first time in more than 9 months, a month ago to this day.  He spent a few hours with her at my home over the weekend and then left with our car.  She cried when he left.  Part of me wishes I could say that she was crying over him, but she wasn't.  As he pulled out of the driveway, leaving us without a vehicle, Kaylee cried "no! mine! carrr!!!"  She has no clue who he is.  Why would anyone expect to randomly pop in for a few hours and actually be recognized? Yes, she called him daddy when instructed, just like she'd call Bob, Tom, and Sue by their names. She doesn't know that there is a meaning behind the word "daddy."

My beautiful little girl does not have one.

The evening after he left, we received a phone call from him, asking if he could tell Kaylee good night. She talked on the phone a few minutes and was in a great mood.

When I hung up, I thought "wow, this is it, he's going to step up and be in her life"

It's been a month since she's heard from him, not even a call to see what she was going to be for Halloween or to ask for a picture of her trick or treating. I should have known it was too good to be true.

I can't go a few hours without seeing Kaylee, how on earth someone could choose to go months without even speaking to their kid is beyond me.

And now, for the part that I've written in bits and pieces over the past 6 months...

A letter to Dan's parents that I will never end up sending

You know, I really wish things would have ended up differently.  4 years ago, nobody could have convinced me that I would have gone through the hell that I have endured the past 13 months. Maybe had all of your family not condoned Dan's actions, or taken such an impartial stance, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe if things hadn't been so one sided and I had to fight alone.  Maybe if his pride didn't keep him from sucking it up and apologizing. Who knows. 

What I do know is that it's sad that Kaylee will grow up not knowing you all, when the only thing I ever wanted for her was to have a close-knit family.  It's been almost a year and a half since any of you have seen her.  You should see her blue eyes and blonde curls, the way she walks and talks, her sassy little attitude.  She is the most awesome little girl that you don't even have the privilege of knowing, and by choice at that. However, I see she (as well as Avery and Malachi) has/have long been replaced by Hilary's kids, as it's been made amply clear.

If Malachi did to his wife and kids what Dan did, I would not have been talking to him all the time acting like things are great.  No, I would have been calling my daughter-in-law and grandkids to make sure they are okay.  THEY would be my priority, not a man that selfishly abandoned them.  You can't say you care, but let your actions show otherwise.  I have not gotten any bit of support from you all in about 10 months.  As a matter of fact, it's been quite the opposite with the things your family has said to me via social networking sites.  Apparently, being a coward and contacting me through Facebook or my blog to twist the knife and blame me is the cool thing to do.  When was the last time ANY of you have called to check on Kaylee (or Avery and Malachi), or even myself?  With her being the only grandchild in the family, one would THINK that she would be important enough to check on.

 There is nobody to blame but your own son.  I cannot stress that enough.

The last time I spoke to you, Maggie, you told me that Dan didn't leave Kaylee, he left me.  Each time I replay those words in my head, I want to scream.  What an absolutely ignorant statement.  Dan DID leave his daughter.  Any "man" and I use that term very, VERY loosely, who cheats on his wife, has the audacity to blame her for his actions as some lame attempt at a justification, and walks out on his family without looking back, refusing to go to church and refusing reconciliation and counseling because he can't swallow his pride and admit he screwed up, has LEFT his daughter.  There is no way to sugar-coat it.  I am sure it hurts knowing the son that you tried so hard to raise to be an upstanding contribution to society, can screw up so royally and hurt so many people. And I'm sorry, I really am.  It doesn't mean you failed, it means he made his own choices. What it does not mean, is that you need to be making excuses for him and condoning his actions.

Another thing that really bothered me is that you told me I could have gone to Texas too so that Kaylee could be close to him. Really?  I mean, REALLY??  Do you really expect me to say "oh honey it's okay, cheat on me when I trust you, spit in my face when I say I still love you and want to honor my commitment to you and God and work it out after your month+ long affair, leave your family without a penny or a phone call only days after saying you can't wait to come home and spend the next 3 years together...but I'll follow you like a little puppy just so you can see the daughter you don't care about whenever you want and I'll watch on the sidelines as you find more random women to sleep around with while I am busy raising 3 kids alone."  Ha...Ha...HA, yeah...right. It doesn't work that way, you can't have your cake and eat it too.  To suggest I do something like that for him is absolutely absurd.  Then again, if that's the position you take, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, now does it?

I do not owe him anything.  I do not have any reason to follow him around the country where we are supposed to be living as a family.  Ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. He didn't try to see her when he was 10 minutes away from her, but yeah, I'll pack up and leave the only "home" and "family" I have now and struggle in a new place alone, just so he can have the perks of being a father without actually having to put forth any effort to be a dad.

It must be nice to be the parent who gets to party it up every night, watch TV all day, sleep in on the weekends, have zero responsibilities as an adult, and never pick up a phone to see how your kid is. What a life.

I wouldn't know.  There is no such thing as a part-time parent, you're full-time or you aren't one at all.

Your son falls into the latter category.

It's sad that even with Dan paying thousands of dollars for a lawyer to screw us over when he knew I couldn't afford one (still really wish that you would have told me who gave him the money- guess that's none of my business though I'm sure), a judge was still able to see through him and the horrible things he did, and award him with the absolute bare minimum that he could possibly get, in terms of personal property, money, and "rights" to see Kaylee.  I had spoken to quite a few lawyers and they were completely SHOCKED.  Colorado is very pushy on co-parenting and everything split right down the middle...so in one of their exact words, "[He] (judge) must have hated him."

In the end, I'd love to know what all he said to you to make you still want to welcome him home with open arms because *I* could never, especially as a Christian, turn a blind eye to everything that he did to people he "loved" and "cared" so much for.  His actions and words speak for themselves though.  Oh but I take that back, I have heard what he told you.  And I'm guessing you believe it?  Sad.  I mean, why wouldn't you believe him? Everything else he did clearly shows that he would tell you the truth when it came time to make an excuse for screwing over his family Had he been in a miserable or loveless marriage (as if either are of those are excuses for his actions), it would have shown in our relationship, our texts and emails.  Had I cheated on him 2 years prior, like I have heard from numerous people that it is his latest excuse/reasoning for leaving (actually quite laughable), he would've left a long time ago.  Oh yes, I've heard the story he's given people...the oh so very skewed fictional story that I know you've heard as well. I can guarantee you it isn't true...and I'm sure one day he may very well tell you the truth because I don't know how long he can live a lie.  I can ALMOST understand how you could believe him when he says we had a bad marriage.  He is a good liar after all.  He had me convinced that I was crazy for thinking he was cheating on me, and then I found all the phone records.  He had me convinced he was truly remorseful when he sat on the phone crying "I don't know why you still love me, I am such a horrible person!" only for him to decide he wasn't going to stop calling the other girl.  He is very manipulative. 

A while back, I was on Youtube earlier looking at my "friends" and I forgot we were Youtube friends because of the songs he would record for me. Anyway, I clicked on his name, reminiscing about those old videos, and ended up on his feed.

Very very interesting.

  This is a rap video with nothing, literally nothing, but racial slurs and expletives, Dan commented a few months ago: Get it grrrrrl - I like it bro - good flow!!

In this video, your child gets into an argument via comments with another stranger and says:

"Hey retard, do some research. It was a completely independent design after the German (not Nazi) combined cold-war effort failed. Your language is offensive and your brain-power is minimal.The proper vernacular is "you're" - it's a conjunction of "you" and "are". I didn't google it, I live it on a daily basis. The MBT-70 was based on German/American designs, but the project was scrapped. When the M1 prototype came out (aka the XM1), an AMERICAN design by the AMERICAN company Chrysler, it was built from the ground up. As a miscellaneous character in some arbitrary show often says, "Your mother should have swallowed you." "

Are you proud yet?

Or how about this?

Ever heard of Jenna Marbles, the girl Dan is subscribed to? No? I'll share a couple of videos with you that Dan has commented on (oh don't worry, there are more if you'd like to see for yourself).  I mean, come on, who doesn't enjoy watching videos of a girl half naked that using the "f" word 10 times in each sentence, who apparently only has life experience with sex and alcohol?  Oh you don't find that enjoyable? Yeah, me neither.  Too bad.  This video is full of blatant sexual references and is laced with profanity, but that doesn't stop him from commenting on it about how awesome she is.

Yes, oh so completely awesome. Too bad we all can't be as trashy.  If I could only be as "awesome" as she is, maybe we'd still be married.

Or this one he comments on where she talks about how she's a "whore" and shoots an entire video of herself in numerous bikinis?

Keepin' it classy!

He really fooled you all into thinking he was some great Christian man with strong morals, didn't he?  Don't worry, I fell for it too.

I'm sure that's all you ever wanted in a son.  I'm confident seeing him "like" pictures of half naked (well moreso) girls on Facebook makes you so grateful to see that he's walking the path you wanted for him. I mean, I can't imagine how awesome I'd think my son was for leaving his family and never even contacting his child.  What a great addition to your family.  I bet you're proud :)

PS.  Maybe Nicky can learn from big brother's mistakes.  Hopefully he wrote her a "how not to screw up your marriage" book for his wedding gift to her.  Give them my congrats, it's unfortunate her niece couldn't make it...or wasn't even invited.


Three things cannot be long hidden: The Sun, The Moon and The Truth." -Buddha


  1. I don't know you, but I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for the pain and anger you are feeling. I'm sorry that people can be so cruel and thoughtless. I truly hope that you (and your kids) find the happiness and peace that you deserve. You are in my prayers.

  2. Ephesians 6:12
    For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places.

    I too have been dealt with unfairly by many people. And each persons pain is truly a hardship for that person - so I have compassion for your pain and what unfairly happened to you.
    What God showed me is that we hate the sin - not the person. Jesus gave the NEW commandment that we love others as Christ loved us. We didn't deserve His love - we were all sinners short of His glory. He has forgiven us of offense after offense. But He loves us. We must share the same love to others even though they have offended and wounded us. Love and Trust however, aren't the same thing. We can love without trusting - without seeing and without being in a relationship with them. Because this love is a supernatural heavenly love. It doesn't come from our emotions and heart or personality. It comes from our spirit. It isn't based on actions or how we all feel. This is the love we need to strive for. Very similar to a love between a mother and her child.
    The scripture I gave was God showing us we are in a spiritual world. We have an adversary - the devil. He twists the thoughts and intentions of others making them evil men. But God never created an evil person. They aren't born. They are developed. This man you speak of and many others out there are being drawn and bound in a spiritual prison by the devil. They aren't happy. Quite the contrary. They are bound and without freedom. They are led by their desires and lusts with no control. It's a terrible way to live because I once lived it. He is not evil - his actions are. Pray he sees the light of God. Hate is a prison and so is unforgiveness and only we hold the key. Release yourself. I say all this from walking the same road before. Love you and enjoy your blog very much.

  3. wow i can see you're hurting, i would be devastated too. i cannot imagine your pain, but be strong! the lord is good and his love endures forever. praying for you, candice.

  4. Candice-

    I hope someday your pain will ease. Perhaps, you will find someone (or he will find you) who loves and cares for you and your precious children as you deserve. Because you certainly don't deserve what HE did. :(


  5. No, you are not nearly the only person who's had a man (or woman, in a man's case) walk out on their family, leaving them alone with children (yes, 3 and way more). I am close to a woman whose husband deployed & returned a different man, throwing a divorce in her face, forcing her and their 3 children to fly back to the U.S. (they were stationed overseas) where the woman had absolutely no family or friends. She was and is a strong Christian woman, and never spoke spitefully or with hatred, but constantly asked for prayer from all of her supportive friends (and blog readers). Never speaking ill of her husband or situation, she surrounded herself with uplifting Christian friends (who supported her childcare, physical, emotional, and spiritual needs) and was in the Scripture constantly (so any input she received that would alter her thinking or behavior in her situation was FROM the Word itself). For two years she remained like this, her faith keeping her strong, and after all those countless prayers, sleepless nights (as you described you experience yourself), heartbreak from the children's side of things, and having to rebuild a life from scratch, her prayers have just now been answered as her husband's heart changed and he asked her and the kids to come back so they could try again and get some counseling. It sounds to me that you are leaning WAY too much "on your own understanding" (Proverb 3:5-6) and you're not getting the prayerful help and spiritual guidance you need. This is not healthy and you're obviously not feeling very well. As a Christian leader, PLEASE go into some counseling for your situation- or join a small group that you can trust, who will comfort you through the Scripture and strengthen you through prayer. You need it, it's so apparent. Don't try to go through this alone. And even if you have a small or faithful support group right now, it sounds like you need more. Focus on God and His Truths and be in prayer constantly. "Keep on knocking and the door will be opened o you." (Matt 7:7) Be encouraged. You are certainly not alone in this situation or feelings and you certainly won't nearly be the last. ...But you can choose how successful you are in going through it. We all have our pains and trials. This is yours. Be certain that you are dealing with it well and in a healthy, Godly manner. He loves you. Lean on HIS knowledge & understanding. Expand your support system. Also, examine your own heart. You ask about the hatred you feel, but it's apparent you're making harsh judgements against your husband, so your motives must be skewed. Ask God to examine your heart, that your desires and motives are aligned with His. That His Spirit is leading you in your thoughts, words, and actions. My thoughts are- if you have this much to "unleash" on a blog to countless anonymous souls who may or may not have your best interests or Christ in mind, you are obviously not letting it out in a healthy manner, to people who can help, guide, and support you. Think and pray on that, and from an anonymous soul on the infinite internet who hears your cries of desperation but knows there are better ways to be going through this, please, please connect yourself with a pastor or leader at your church to get connected to constant, healthy guidance and help. You want to be physically, emotionally, and spiritually happy and healthy, and this is a way to do it, or at least get on the right path ("Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But with God everything is possible." Matthew 19:26). Much love, and of course a prayer sent out for you.