Monday, May 7, 2012

One of these days...

One of these days... I will smile because I want to, not just because I feel like I am supposed to.

One of these days... I will laugh because I am happy, not just to avoid an awkward situation.

One of these days... I will not need you there to feel complete.

One of these days... I will get out of bed because I am eager to begin a new day, not because I have kids begging me to get up.

One of these days... I will be able to go a few hours without crying over you.

One of these days... being alone will finally feel normal or at least I'll be numb to the pain.

One of these days... I will be proud of myself and won't find my worth only in the eyes of another person.

One of these days... I will be more than just a mom, I'll also be me.

One of these days... I will sleep through an entire night without nightmares or tossing and turning, fearing somebody is going to break in and there is nobody here to protect us.

One of these days... I won't miss you.

One of these days... I will be okay.

But not today.

How long does it take?  When does it feel okay to not have someone there to support you through all of your endeavors?  Will it ever?  Life seems so pointless when you have nobody to live it with, nobody to hold your hand and tell you it will be fine.  How am I ever supposed to finally be okay with the fact that my life will never be what I want and it's not even my fault?  How is it fair that somebody else has the power to make such life changing decisions for you without your consent?  I'm doing horribly in school (for me) because I can't think straight.  It seems like it was the biggest mistake to go back, clearly I wasn't ready to add on to my workload.  Then again, if I quit now, I will be a failure at yet another thing.

I don't need sympathy, I need to be okay.  Why can't I just be okay??

I made this slideshow for Dan back in January I believe.  I honestly don't know if he even ever watched it, but I've probably watched it enough for the both of us.
It is basically the best, most fulfilling, 3 years of my life in a 20 minute video.

 The blog post I made a few months ago was picked up by Yahoo! after I combined it into a single article. I'd like to think Dan would be proud, he always encouraged me to chase my dreams and do things I enjoyed.  If you haven't gotten the chance to read it yet and are interested, here it is.

1 comment:

  1. I came across your blog a few months ago when a friend of mine posted one of your car seat posts. I am a strong believer in a 5 pt harness for as long as possible. However, I never did the amount of research that you did. There was a car seat debate on Facebook today and so I came back here to post some of your links. I think you are doing an amazing thing by spreading awareness.

    I took the time to read through your blog and I just felt compelled to comment. You are an amazing person, an amazing mother. You are so young, but extremely intelligent beyond your years. You are an amazing writer. Your story is so sad. And you put yourself out there. All of it. Your sadness, your feelings, your thoughts. I truly admire you for your strength. Please remember that everything happens for a reason. Have faith. You are amazing and you will surely find happiness. I don't even know you and you have touched my heart. I want to hug you and tell you everything is going to be ok. I am in awe at your strength. It amazes me that someone so young with 3 children and so much your plate has so much to offer others. Know that your blog is making it's way around the FB world. Never for a second doubt yourself, because you are prooving that you can be the best person possible with or without your husband. I am still in shock over your story. I just had to reach out to you and tell you that you are amazing and you deserve the best that the world has to offer you. Thanks for sharing your story...and all of your car seat insight. Holly Boyce